Do you need to embrace the Satan in you to get fitter?

It’s that time of year, as we start to come out of the depths of winter and turn our minds towards shifting the extra weight that has crept on, getting a bit fitter for the summer and putting some new healthy habits in place. This is one woman’s experience… 

 

For my birthday, my husband bought me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I’m in reasonable shape since playing tennis for my local club 43 years ago, I decided I’d be fine and to give it a go! 

 

I arranged the first appoint with a personal trainer named Jamie, who told me he was a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. 

 

Friends were impressed with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. 

 

MONDAY: Started my day at 6am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Jamie waiting for me. He looked like a Greek god – blond hair, clear blue eyes and a dazzling white smile….woo hoo!! 

 

Jamie gave me a tour and showed me the machines…I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! 

 

Jamie was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! 

 

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out the door. Jamie made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me. 

 

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Jamie was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. 

 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Jamie put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Jamie told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s%&t too! 

 

THURSDAY: He was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being half an hour late… it took me that long to tie my trainers. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine….which I sank! 

 

FRIDAY: I hate Jamie more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world….ever! Stupid, skinny, anaemic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Jamie wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? 

 

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn’t show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my diary; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. 

 

SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun….like a root canal or hysterectomy. I still say, if GOD wanted me to bend over he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! 

 

You’ll be pleased to know that the NHS does not recommend 7 days of exercise purgatory but something more achievable - https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/